The end

So here I am at the end of 2018, not quite sure I want to let go yet. I feel like I was just getting to know her and now its time to say goodbye. She didn’t bring me any major changes but maybe that’s the comfort.

I have been living the last 5 years of waiting, wondering, hoping and feeling the despair of what each of those bring when nothing is realised. I am going into another new year which holds the end of a particular chapter in my life. Finding out if I will get to be a mother at some point. Not of the biological kind, I said goodbye to that at the end of 2016, but the kind which opens her heart to nurture a young soul. It feels scary to think that a decision will be made about whether or not I could be an adoptive mother. I need to know the verdict now but we have a fair way to go this year to get us closer to knowing how it will end.

The process is not an easy one and requires so much internal strength to remain positive. I find myself getting angry that had my body complied and allowed me to stay pregnant and give birth I wouldn’t have been forced into this phase of my life. I don’t want to feel like everything is a hurdle or even believe it will happen. It’s a hard place to rest within, believing it will work has taught me that the fall will be greater than thinking it won’t. Staying in the it won’t work camp, dampens the hope and positive attitude one needs to remain in the game of the adoption process. So what do you do???

I have learnt so much about holding both positive and negative at the same time especially when it comes down to the thinking process. I have noticed that just because I think something will work doesn’t mean it will, even though it gives me a positive attitude and I feel more able to enjoy life etc. However when I think negatively and that my life is doomed this also has taught me that that too may not happen. My life hasn’t been doomed and my life has not worked out how my thoughts  have hoped they would but I am still here. Its the being here to tell the story of both sides without judgment that really matters, not feeling like one doesn’t fit because I’ve not been able to do the same as my friends by having biologically children. Life is about living whatever that may be, experiencing joy or  experiencing pain which shakes your very foundations.

The last 5 years have done exactly that for me, shaken my core beliefs of what I hoped I would be by now but I am not. So 2019 is a significant one for me, it will give me and my husband an answer. This is the final answer in our quest to have a family. The answer will change how our future looks if that be with children or not- both outcomes will bring about reflection and change. I am ready for either but I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t say that I am scared too.

So as I welcome in the new year, I want to open my heart to experiencing all that it brings. My message to myself and others is about sharing the year with people who will open their heart to me and to you as the year unravels. You are not always to blame for things not working out, even if you do hold some responsibility for the outcome you didn’t want- it doesn’t have to be the end of you. It could be the beginning of a new chapter.

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The Destination is always now.

I have wanted for some time to start a blog but my inner bitch has always said “no …….. what have you got to write about? Who do you think you are? ” and so on. The crazy thing is I obeyed and never started one and kept my writing to a journal. Journaling is a great tool for managing one’s inner characters especially when the journey you are on has lots of waves. However it has always felt like there was something missing, the sharing of ones journey in the hope it may imspire someone else.

So what has changed to encouraged me to start a blog,  practising mindfulness is what has done it.  Who would have thought it, the main thing that I feel is keeping me awake to the now is the one thing that has kept me physiologically alive for my 37 years of life……… Breathing. The secret is I’m now tuning into my breath, welcoming all thoughts, feelings and physical sensations to be present without inner bitch reaching an all time high.

I hope to uncover how mindfulness is helping me through my current childlessness and unleash how mindfulness may help other mental health problems. Areas close to my heart are anorexia, depression, anxiety to name just a few.

Mindfulness for me is getting comfortable with the uncomfortable experiences I may encounter within me. It’s not putting up with the inner dialogue or ignoring it but I believe for me it’s about a curiosity, an interest into “oh I see that has just occurred within me” without an inward attack that spirals my mood to the floor. A little noticing.

I hope to be guided by my day to day experiences and hopefully anyone if they read, they’re suggestions. I hope to take ownership of what I write instead of coming across as a dictator.  Mindfulness and meditation is a personal experience for each and every one of us. I believe this deserves a mindful attitude of kindness and respect too.

let’s see where this journey takes me and you.

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