The end

So here I am at the end of 2018, not quite sure I want to let go yet. I feel like I was just getting to know her and now its time to say goodbye. She didn’t bring me any major changes but maybe that’s the comfort.

I have been living the last 5 years of waiting, wondering, hoping and feeling the despair of what each of those bring when nothing is realised. I am going into another new year which holds the end of a particular chapter in my life. Finding out if I will get to be a mother at some point. Not of the biological kind, I said goodbye to that at the end of 2016, but the kind which opens her heart to nurture a young soul. It feels scary to think that a decision will be made about whether or not I could be an adoptive mother. I need to know the verdict now but we have a fair way to go this year to get us closer to knowing how it will end.

The process is not an easy one and requires so much internal strength to remain positive. I find myself getting angry that had my body complied and allowed me to stay pregnant and give birth I wouldn’t have been forced into this phase of my life. I don’t want to feel like everything is a hurdle or even believe it will happen. It’s a hard place to rest within, believing it will work has taught me that the fall will be greater than thinking it won’t. Staying in the it won’t work camp, dampens the hope and positive attitude one needs to remain in the game of the adoption process. So what do you do???

I have learnt so much about holding both positive and negative at the same time especially when it comes down to the thinking process. I have noticed that just because I think something will work doesn’t mean it will, even though it gives me a positive attitude and I feel more able to enjoy life etc. However when I think negatively and that my life is doomed this also has taught me that that too may not happen. My life hasn’t been doomed and my life has not worked out how my thoughts  have hoped they would but I am still here. Its the being here to tell the story of both sides without judgment that really matters, not feeling like one doesn’t fit because I’ve not been able to do the same as my friends by having biologically children. Life is about living whatever that may be, experiencing joy or  experiencing pain which shakes your very foundations.

The last 5 years have done exactly that for me, shaken my core beliefs of what I hoped I would be by now but I am not. So 2019 is a significant one for me, it will give me and my husband an answer. This is the final answer in our quest to have a family. The answer will change how our future looks if that be with children or not- both outcomes will bring about reflection and change. I am ready for either but I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t say that I am scared too.

So as I welcome in the new year, I want to open my heart to experiencing all that it brings. My message to myself and others is about sharing the year with people who will open their heart to me and to you as the year unravels. You are not always to blame for things not working out, even if you do hold some responsibility for the outcome you didn’t want- it doesn’t have to be the end of you. It could be the beginning of a new chapter.